No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes Read online

  “These are good tears,” Noah said, no trace of doubt in his voice. No judgment either, Indy noted with a warm feeling in his stomach, which only made the tears come even faster.

  “Why would you let me in?” Indy asked, fighting the tears back—unsuccessfully. He was a guy, a man. He wasn’t supposed to break down like this.

  Noah’s eyes were kind. “Because I’m a cripple with anger issues, and Josh is a basket case with PTSD. I told you, we’re both seriously fucked up. Trust me, you’ll fit right in.”

  Anger issues? What the hell is he talking about? God, he couldn’t think anymore. Indy put his head in his hands, surrendering to the tears.

  “Do you wanna be held?” Noah asked, his voice a little less secure than it had sounded before. Indy nodded, his hands still hiding his face.

  “Come here,” Noah said and pulled him off the stool between his legs, cradling Indy’s head against his broad chest. “Something tells me you have plenty to cry about, but you’ve been holding it all in, so go ahead.”

  It was as if that permission granted Indy the freedom to open gates that had been closed for such a long time. He stood between Noah’s legs, his tiny weight against that solid chest, his head against that broad shoulder, and Noah’s strong arms secure and comforting around him.

  Then Josh stepped in behind him, wrapping his arms around him from the back and kissing his head. Indy should have freaked out at being held so tight, should have been ashamed and embarrassed about crying and being held by two men, but it was like he was in a safe cocoon where nothing and nobody could hurt him. So he let go and cried until he had no more tears to give. Noah and Josh held him—two solid rocks he could lean on.

  “Do you want to stay?” Noah asked when Indy was calm and still again.

  “Yah.”

  He kept his eyes closed, his wet cheek still pressed against Noah’s shirt, almost fearing that he’d hear his armor crack. It scared the shit out of him, this weird connection he had with these two guys.

  “Is it okay for Josh to pick up your car?”

  “Yah.”

  Another crack. Noah was asking all the right questions, saying all the right things.

  “Okay, then.”

  Indy gently pushed back against their arms, and they immediately released him. He took a small step sideways so they stood in a tight circle and he could look them both in the eyes. “Thank you.”

  “Noah doesn’t want thanks,” Josh said. “He hates it when someone thanks him.”

  Indy tried to lighten the mood. “Well, I’d kiss you again, but since your boyfriend is right here, that’d be wrong.”

  “Oh, you can kiss him,” Josh said matter-of-factly. “We’re not together-together.”

  7

  With Indy standing only inches away, Noah had prime access to the range of emotions on his face when Josh dropped that little bomb. Surprise, confusion. And one that wasn’t so easy to pinpoint.

  “I gotta go. I have therapy,” Josh said. “I hope you like the smoothie.”

  Indy stepped back farther, and Noah was left with a strange sense of loss.

  “I’m glad you’re staying,” Josh said, giving Indy an affectionate pat on his back. He was such a toucher who loved cuddling, and he was missing out on so much of that in their relationship.

  Picking up on the tension between Noah and Indy, Josh said, “You are staying, right? Noah can explain everything.”

  He gave Noah a quick kiss on the cheek, then turned to Indy again. “Indy?” Josh said, when Indy stood there.

  “Yeah, I’ll stay. For now. Can’t wait to hear Noah’s explanation.”

  “Good.” Josh kissed Indy on the cheek as well, surprising himself as much as Indy, Noah noted. “See you in a bit. Explain everything, Noah!”

  The door to the garage clicked shut, and the sound of the garage door opening vibrated in the background. The car started, backed up, and the garage closed again, leaving Indy and Noah facing each other.

  “This should be good,” Indy said, finding his spot on the bar stool again. He took a sip of his juice, which, judging by the surprised look on his face, tasted way better than the drab color had indicated. “Listen, you don’t owe me an explanation, especially not after what you did for me with O’Connor. What you and Josh are or do, it’s none of my business.”

  It had to cost Indy to say this, and Noah appreciated the emotional sacrifice he was making here, even if Indy wasn’t aware of it himself. Noah still had no idea what had happened to Indy, or why he was running from someone or something, but he had to have his reasons.

  Josh had overheard Indy talking in his sleep, agitated about someone named Duncan. He’d been loose-lipped in his conversations as well, about feeling safe for the first time, about wanting to stay but being afraid to. It all added up to him being genuinely scared for his life, for whatever reason.

  Be honest, Flint. You want him to stay. Fuck, you need him to. The thought of him leaving is killing you. And the only way he’s gonna stay is if he feels safe.

  “That would be true, if it weren’t for the fact that you want to stay with us, at least for a while, and you need that explanation to feel safe,” he said.

  “How the fuck do you do that?” Indy asked with a scowl. “How do you manage to get into my head so easily?”

  “It’s an annoying habit. Used to drive Josh crazy, too. Still does, sometimes.”

  “How long have you guys known each other?”

  “Since high school. We were fifteen, and I was the new kid. I caught a few guys beating the shit out of him for being gay. Apparently, that was a regular occurrence at that school that everybody knew about and decided to ignore, but I didn’t get that memo.”

  “You kicked their asses. That’s wicked pissa, man,” Indy concluded, pure satisfaction in his voice. If Noah had any doubt left where he was from originally, that expression sealed the deal. Indy had to be from Boston. Noah filed it away for later. He wasn’t going to spook Indy by mentioning anything.

  “Sadly, no. It was four against one, since Josh was out of commission by the time I got there, and though I was athletic, I was badly outnumbered and outmatched. So I got my ass handed to me, but at least I didn’t go down without a fight. I broke one guy’s nose and kicked another in his nuts so hard they were blue for a week, from what I heard. Got suspended for it, which pissed my dad off, of course. He wasn’t down with the rainbow, to put it mildly. But since I lost my chance on popularity with that action, Josh and I were thrown together and became friends. We’ve had each other’s backs ever since.”

  Noah winced as he rubbed his stump. Would it ever stop bothering him so much? He was so done with the constant ache, not in the least because it made him so needy, and he fucking hated that.

  “Does it still hurt?”

  “It’s been hurting like a motherfucker since the last adjustment of my prosthetic leg. It’s still healing, so it’s not unusual, but it feels good to take it off at home. And the scrubs, they constantly rub against the scars, as do many pants, so I usually walk around in my underwear when I’m home.”

  “No complaints about that from me,” Indy said, then bit his lip in a totally cute way, as if preventing himself from saying more.

  “It doesn’t bother you?”

  “What, your scars and your leg? Or you walking around half naked? Neither.”

  Noah grinned. “I usually don’t let people see it. Not that we have many people stopping by. Josh has a brother, but he lives in DC and hasn’t been to visit since we moved here. They’re not close.”

  “No parents?”

  Noah’s face tightened. How could it still hurt after all these years?

  “Josh's parents disowned him as soon as he was of age, because of him being gay. They’re conservative Christians and not the good and loving kind. My father broke off contact when we moved in together. Like I said, not a fan of the rainbow.”

  “But you’re not together, Josh said, even though you have sex. So are
you bi? Or gay?”

  Was he? The lines had become more and more blurred. And it hadn’t mattered until Indy had shown up. Why Indy wanted to know if he was gay was understandable, but why had he started caring himself? It’s so fucking complicated.

  “What Josh and I have, it’s not so easy to define. Others draw their own conclusions, also because we’re not explaining ourselves.”

  “Do you want to explain it to me?”

  Indy’s tone was kind. Curious, but not demanding. He knew like no other that not everything was what it seems and that sometimes you didn’t want to explain what was behind the public mask.

  “I do,” Noah said. “Something tells me you’d understand.”

  * * *

  One year and two months before

  The pain was all-consuming. Noah could take the intensity, but the throbbing and burning and aching that never let up wore him down till he was exhausted from fighting it. Lying in a hospital bed with nothing else to do, he was constantly aware of his missing limb, even after three weeks.

  His remaining leg and the stump were wrapped in bandages to cover and heal the wounds from the fragments and burns that had ravaged his legs. As an army medic he’d seen his share of horrible injuries, but he couldn’t stomach looking at his own. The thought of witnessing his burned and mangled legs formed a sour taste in his mouth. Every time they dressed his wounds, he averted his eyes.

  “Noah?”

  The timid voice made him swallow back whatever was on his mind and refocus. He had to be the strong one because Josh needed him now more than ever.

  “Hey man, how are you?” He opened his arms wide. Josh needed that physical contact. His best friend, impeccably dressed in his combat fatigues, bent over for a solid hug. As always, it lasted a tad longer than was appropriate between straight guys.

  Noah didn’t give a rat’s ass. His previous hospital roommate had already called him a faggot, and he didn’t give a shit. Ever since, he’d simply asked the nursing staff in the army hospital to close the curtains between the two beds, and he’d ignored the asshole until the guy had gotten discharged the day before.

  “How was the session?”

  Josh had come from an appointment with an army psychiatrist to discuss the results of his assessment of Josh's mental health. After Noah’s injury, Josh had spent two weeks in a closed ward for ‘going off the rails’ as one nurse described it to Noah. Noah had been furious with his helplessness to do anything for him, especially since he’d had a pretty good idea of what Josh was suffering from.

  Josh pushed out a shivering breath. “They’ve diagnosed me with a severe case of PTSD,” he mumbled, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m getting an honorable discharge.”

  Noah grabbed his friend’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll get you through this.”

  “How? You have your own recovery to focus on, and I have nobody else. My parents and Aaron haven’t even contacted me.”

  The quiet desperation in Josh's voice had Noah on edge. “You have me,” he said firmly. He grabbed Josh's shoulder with his other hand, shaking him softly. “I’m here for you.”

  “But you’re still recovering, and after that, you’re going back, right?”

  The pain hit him like a stab to the heart, and he swallowed. Hell, no. Not ever again. “No, Josh, I won’t go back.”

  Josh's eyes lifted from the floor to meet Noah’s. “What do you mean? The army is your dream, your life.”

  “No, it’s not. It never was,” Noah said. “It was my dad’s dream and his life, not mine. He pushed me into this and I went along. But I’ve already agreed to an honorable discharge. Graves has promised me he’ll help me find a position as a physician assistant in an ER as soon as I’m ready to get back to work. There’s a hospital in Albany, New York, that’s interested. The trauma surgeon there is a college buddy of Graves, and he’s willing to give me a shot. I’m being discharged in a few days and sent to an army rehab center. I’ve declined their room and board options and have rented an apartment close by. You’re moving in with me, and you can help me get better, chauffeur me, cook for me, and in general pamper me. We’ve always had each other’s backs, and that’s not gonna change.”

  Josh broke down, tears streaming down his face. He grabbed Noah’s hand and held onto it as if it was the life vest saving him from drowning. Noah’s heart filled with compassion. He didn’t have a sliver of doubt he was making the right choice. Josh had enlisted because of him, and now he was hurting because of Noah.

  If only he’d been there that night. Hell, Josh wouldn’t have been there in the first place if not for Noah. Noah didn’t care what he had to do, but he would find a way to help Josh heal. He would take care of him, because when he had needed him the most, Josh had been there for him. As a result, Josh was broken in a way that maybe would never fully heal. But dammit, Noah would try. And right now, he knew what Josh needed.

  “Hit the lights, would you?” he asked Josh.

  “What?” his friend asked, disoriented by the unexpected request.

  “Turn off the lights and pull the curtains around my bed. It’s the signal to the staff that I’m retiring for the night, and they won’t disturb me unless I hit the call button.”

  Josh obediently got up and did as he was asked. He obviously had no idea why, but he still trusted Noah to do right by him. God, please let him never, ever break that trust.

  “Now come here. I’ll scoot my upper body over, but you’ll have to lift my legs. One at a time. Be gentle, and it’ll be fine.”

  “What are you doing?” Josh asked with a small voice, while carefully moving Noah’s legs to the side of the bed.

  Noah clenched his jaw to keep from crying out in pain. He let out a ragged breath.

  “Making room for you,” he said between his teeth.

  “Strip,” he said when he’d caught his breath again. “This place is hotter than the sandbox.” He gestured to his bare chest and boxers to indicate he wasn’t wearing clothes either.

  “I don’t understand,” Josh said, a hint of panic in his voice.

  It was hard to find patience when the pain was driving you mad, but Noah dug deep. “Strip down to your boxers, Josh. Trust me.”

  Josh stared at him for a few seconds, then did as he was told, folding his clothes neatly and laying them down under the bed. Josh's trust in him hit Noah hard, as always, especially considering what the guy had been through. Noah wouldn’t have been surprised if Josh had never even looked at him again.

  “Come here.” Noah lifted his blanket and gestured for Josh to climb on the bed. Confusion painted his best friend’s face, then a sweet relief that almost made Noah cry himself. Josh eased onto the bed and Noah held out his arm for his friend to put his head on, then wrapped it around him.

  “You’re here, and you’re safe, and I’ve got you. Now, get some sleep. You look like hell.”

  Josh wriggled, clearly scared he’d either hurt Noah or do something wrong. No wonder, he’d been ragged on, bullied, and even beaten up for being gay so many times.

  “Put your arm around me. Nobody will see and even if they do, I don’t fucking care. Let me take care of you, Josh, lean on me. I’ve got your six.”

  Tentatively, Josh spread his arm across Noah’s chest, and to affirm that sweet gesture, Noah pulled it tighter, put his hand on Josh's head. “Are you comfortable?”

  “I haven’t felt this good in years,” Josh said, and the deep emotion in his voice hit Noah deep. This was exactly what Josh needed. Noah wasn’t sure if it was because Josh was gay, or if it was his character, or his fucked-up upbringing with parents who’d rejected him, but Josh was a toucher, a cuddler. He’d always reach out to Noah, touch his arm or his shoulder, hug him close. The guy thrived on physical contact until that night that had changed everything.

  Ever since, he’d been easily spooked, hesitant, even with Noah. They’d seen so little of each other, with Josh in the locked ward for two weeks and Noah in
the hospital. It had taken a huge chunk out of Josh's sense of safety, and Noah wanted nothing more than to restore that, if only between the two of them. And frankly, Noah had missed the hell out of Josh as well, and not just because he’d been worried sick about him.

  “Good. Now sleep.”

  Josh was out like a light, and Noah caught a few hours of sleep before the pain woke him up. He tried to shift, but Josh's weight pinned his upper body down and of course his legs were useless. He couldn’t call a nurse, not with Josh being there. Holy shit, Nurse Decker would be shocked if she caught them together. She was a hell of a nurse, but rather prim despite her…inviting figure. Full breasts, curvy ass, a highly kissable mouth. All the male patients had fantasies about her, Noah was sure, and he was no exception. Picturing her in his mind gave him a full-on boner.

  Which was unfortunate because, as in many aspects of his life at the moment, he was helpless there as well. Aside from a complete lack of privacy that prevented him from jerking off, he had the added complication of his injuries, which extended to his thighs. He could reach his cock, but the motion of jerking off hurt his legs—he’d tried. And he feared his jizz would land all over, resulting in some mighty humiliating conversations.

  And…that train of thought had made him even more hard. The sensation of a warm, almost naked body draped half over him didn’t help either, even if it was Josh. Josh's hot breath against his bare chest only contributed to his arousal. Well, fuck. What was he gonna do now?

  “Am I getting too heavy?” Josh's voice was hoarse and sleepy. He stretched his arm, accidentally grazing Noah’s hard cock. Both of them froze.

  Noah swallowed. When he’d made his plan to let Josh move in, he’d known there would be moments like this. Josh was gay, and their close presence was bound to stir some uncomfortable feelings. They’d had many of those already, even as friends.

  When he’d hit rock bottom years ago, he had wanted to be held by Josh, especially when his alcohol levels had lowered his inhibitions. Fuck, those months after losing his mom, when he’d been shit-faced almost every evening, he knew he and Josh had crossed boundaries. Josh had held his head when he’d puked his guts out, had undressed him at times, tucked him in.